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Finding My Place in AA and ACA


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#1 Daisy

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Posted 23 March 2008 - 04:27 AM

Was reading some interesting stuff on Robert Burney's website yesterday (author of Codependence: Dance of Wounded Souls). It seems as though so many writers that have caught my attention in the past few months have written about first finding life-saving recovery in AA, but then needing and seeking healing beyond what that program provides. For example, Melody Beattie of Codependent No More, John Bradshaw of Homecoming - Championing Your Inner Child, and now Robert Burney, all entered recovery through AA it appears.

Robert Burney writes about the rigidity and black/white thinking in AA, e.g., drink or don't drink. Obviously, for alcoholics this is the way it has to be (IMO). For the past 9 years this is how I have been taught to practice the principles of a 12 step program in ALL of my affairs (rigidly). My upbringing by my mother was rigid and unforgiving, so parlaying that to AA didn't seem unnatural to me I suppose. The student/teacher sponsorship concept definitely lends itself to people pleasing. I've seen that not only in myself but in others. I've actually seen newcomers being AFRAID of being "yelled at" by controlling sponsors. Some of the slogans, in my view, are somewhat shaming too, e.g., "When I'm in my head I'm behind enemy lines" or "The worst thing about being alone is I get really bad advice." Those concepts are in stark contrast to the ACA concept of me learning to trust myself. It can't be both for me.

Burney's view is that CoDa took off in the 80s (?) and has been losing popularity partly due to people from AA starting CoDA meetings but being too rigid and contolling about it, and that turning people off who were all too used to controlling people. Apparently CoDA wanted Burney to write something for its "Big Book" but he declined because he so disappointed in the dynamics of that organization.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that the somewhat rigid approach I learned in AA may be not useful for my growth in ACA. Burney says, in fact, that AA-like rigidity can be somewhat limiting to one's maximum spiritual growth. That is validating what I've been feeling since coming to ACA. It seems that the inner child stuff I've been reading talks about finding out who I am - - as in, I'm free to explore, consider options, say THIS IS ME. The AA I've learned is more about, "This is who we are," a homogenous group without self-defining characteristics (that's my interpretation). There's the AA concept of, "I knew who you were before I even met you." Maybe alcoholics have a false self that is somewhat predictable, but I have absolutely no idea who the real me is - - that I'm sure of from deep within my heart and soul. ACA tells me if I work this program I get to discover who I am beyond my false self. ACA doesn't tell me they're pretty sure they already know who my TRUE SELF is. That's when I develop a "real" connection with my HP. There's the Laundry List, etc., but I think that describes my false self.

I sensed after being in this program for a couple of weeks that I would struggle finding my place in both programs. I think I'm going to go through AA's Big Book or something and write down things that seem in opposition to ACA growth concepts. Even AA says, "Take what you want and leave the rest." My sobriety from drugs/alcohol is crucial to my serenity, so I am not abandoning AA. I believe I really need to examine what from that program what I believe may actually be hampering my spiritual growth as an adult child though. I am drawn to the healing ACA has to offer. I was starting to feel stifled in AA.

It is exciting to know that there is someone inside me (inner child) I have yet to discover, and it's 100% okay for me to be her. I need to trust that a perfect plan for my life is unfolding, and that more will be revealed - - today, and tomorrow! This I can CAN take from AA and make it work in my spiritual growth today.

I feel like I'm on a good path. It definitely is a Happy Easter, with much to be grateful for! :-)

Beth
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#2 MichaelR

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Posted 23 March 2008 - 07:31 AM

Thank You for sharing that, Beth and for showing me to be disconcerning and choose what's right for me.

Only we know ourselves better than anyone or any program.

Bravo to you!

M
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#3 Sparky

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Posted 25 March 2008 - 12:36 PM

Thank You Beth,

I really like the ACA focus. I like what Dr.Jan has to say, "Go to A.A. to get sober, go to Al-anon to learn to detach then go to ACoA"

I keep coming across info. about Bill W. wanting to start Neurotics Anonymous after he was sober 24 years and to include an in depth psychic inventory.

Emotional sobriety is my goal. To me that includes releasing my depression :( , I suppose I am a lot like Bill W. in that department.

I cant/We can
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#4 Daisy

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Posted 25 March 2008 - 02:46 PM

Who is Dr. Jan, I can't remember? I really think if more people with some sobriety under their belts in AA were exposed to ACA, they would feel compelled to learn more about it. I feel so much more free somehow since focusing more on ACA in my life.

I definitely have depressive tendencies. I think it's from so much self-shaming (playing decades-old tapes - - actually, more like family heirlooms!) I'm thinking/hoping some focused IC work could be where it's at.

Beth
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#5 Daisy

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Posted 26 March 2008 - 03:59 AM

Thank you, Don. Yet another book I may have to take a look at! :) I'm noticing 9, 10 and 12 a lot in myself lately. That unwaivering loyalty to my mother, and what was taught to me to be the hierarchy of what's important in life, without exception. I wish I could shake it somehow. I know it's not an overnight process though. I have to trust the process and be patient.

Beth
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#6 Nolan

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Posted 07 April 2008 - 11:28 AM

A wise therapist told me to read the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics back in 1992, even though neither of my parents were alcoholic. She said that my having a mentally ill mother (on lots of sedatives by the way) was like having an alcoholic parent. I notice ACA has added "and Dysfunctional Families" to their title. That therapist was right, but even though I went to ACOA meetings back then as she suggested, I didnt get into recovery really until 15 years later. It is wonderful how she planted the seeds for my recovery long before I was able to start breaking out of the "elaborate system of denial" she said I had.

I'm thankful for her, wherever she is now.

Nolan
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#7 whoopsiedoop

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Posted 27 June 2008 - 08:46 PM

Who is Dr. Jan, I can't remember?


The late Dr. Janet G. Woititz. She was an early researcher into the "personality traits of adult children" who presented the following "characteristics" in her 1983 book "Adult Children of Alcoholics".

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

My first exposure to ACA was in 1987 when I read the above characteristics. I instantly identified with almost every one of them. I experience them less now than ever and it's getting better and better every day. ACA works for me ;)

Yours in service,
Don


God, I love this list. I identify with every one of them as the real sources of my predicaments, much more than the current laundry list. I wish there was a way I could get ACA to focus back on this. I can't do it alone.

Hannah
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"There are only two things that are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the former." Albert Einstien

#8 Daisy

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Posted 28 June 2008 - 03:31 AM

Some of the slogans, in my view, are somewhat shaming too, e.g., "When I'm in my head I'm behind enemy lines" or "The worst thing about being alone is I get really bad advice." Those concepts are in stark contrast to the ACA concept of me learning to trust myself. It can't be both for me.


As I continue through this program, I feel I need to rethink my opinion here now. When I wrote that, I was self-propelled, pretty much sponsorless in ACA. Now, as I've come along a bit in ACA, I'm thinking that perhaps the way those are phrased is a bit self-shaming, but the basic concept may be good: particularly as a newcomer in ACA, I'm wise to be humble, take to heart what the fellowship text says, and continually check in with a sponsor/recovery partner for a reality check on my approach.

I've learned I get the most out of 12 step programs when I remain teachable. The world/ideas according to Daisy wasn't working too well, or I wouldn't have come here with my 'rear is a sling,' as they say! If I "stick with the winners," listen to what the "winners" have to say, and choose a sponsor who "has what I want," with any luck I'll have the spiritual awakening I'm told I'll get as a result of working the steps.
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#9 tgparker

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Posted 29 June 2008 - 12:40 PM

A million years ago when I was an young person in AA and Alanon and ACoA I used to hang out at a diner on west 23rd street which was patronized by a whole cluster of 12 steppers, who would literally take over the diner for the "meeting after the meeting". Most notabe, was Lois W....

Whenever Lois would come into the diner she always seemed to accumulate and attract the "young people" around her who she called her "young chicks"...

At one of these coffee klatches, I distinctly remember Lois making the following comments...

She felt very strongly against AA's (men) in Alanon because more often than not they were predator types cruising the rooms of Alanon looking to 13 step weak, co-dependant women.

She also felt that ACoA should be a separate free-standing 12 Step program because she was concerned that the "Alanon Smother Mothers" wouldn't be able to take the fact that ACoAs were just as angry at "Mom" as they were at "Dad", and in many cases "Mom" was just as much a perpetrator as "Dad"... and that in retaliation the "Smother Mothers" would try to "shut down" and "stifle" the ACoAs....

Lois was very adamant about this, in fact she even made these and similar statements about keeping ACoA out of Alanon at at least 2 Alanon World Conferences in the early 1980s that I remember.

As soon as Lois died, of course the Alanon "Smother Mothers" made a real take-over bid for the ACoA meetings and hijacked ACoA... The real reason for this only came out much later of course....

Alanon had always been badly managed and was always on the verge of bankrupcy.... Every year Lois would always bail-out Alanon financially from the money she got from Bill's royalties from the sale of the AA big book....

When Lois died, that gravy train dried up from the AA Big Book sale, and Alanon was in a grave financial crisis, so they went on a manic recruiting drive and overhaul to hijack ACoA...

all the best,

TG aka Tony-Guy
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#10 whoopsiedoop

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Posted 30 June 2008 - 02:18 PM

Since Janet came up here, I'm going to ask this here: What relationship did she have with early ACoA? I'm thinking she didn't come by her contributions to the subject completely independently -- at the very least, she must have been inspired by the meetings?

Hannah
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#11 gray

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Posted 03 January 2009 - 03:26 PM

This is a very interesting subject for me,
I spent three years in AA sobriety in a town where AA is EVERYWHERE. There is this whole body of thinking in AA that "self is the problem." (See pages 62-64 in the AA big book) This is incongruous with the ACA message that "I am okay as I am." My "false self" or "critical inner parent" is what I drank and used drugs to quiet down. So from this stand point, I see AA as helpful. I was raised in an emotionally abusive household and went to a school where I was picked on for years. I never developed any sense of "self-love" and got validation through being "self-destructive." When I was drunk and/or high, I felt okay as myself, and this was a very good feeling that I chased until the alcohol and drugs no longer worked, at which point I decided to get help and got sober.
After discovering ACA after being so immersed in AA for a long period of time, it was a real shock. ACA is truth for me. ACA is not nearly as well established and ubiquitous as AA, and therefore it is not given as much credit, I believe. I started talking to my AA friends about the ACA message and they gave me weird looks and questioned my thinking as dangerous saying "you're in self." (some where understanding and supportive) There is something very comforting about the AA fellowship and the rigidity of thinking attached to it. One need only adhere to certain principles and there is instantaneous acceptance and approval, and being the ACA that I am, these things feel very good to me. AA also provides a very structured blue-print for life, which I felt I was relying on heavily that was unfulfilling and gave me a great excuse to be a victim when things didn't work out ("see, that didn't work!"). I still go to AA for lack of a great ACA fellowship and I find many friends that I relate to in the AA program, but I have to mind the message that I am carrying in some instances.
I hope that one day, ACA will become as pervasive as AA and there will be a fellowship like that of AA. I have many qualms with the AA program. I realize it helps many people, and it was what I needed at the time, but it didn't go far enough. I was doing all the right things, hypervigilantly, and found myself alone, hating the person I saw. Through making a beginning in ACA, I have foudn a small measure of love and forgiveness for myself, which I would never have allowed before. It would be nice to have some more "structure" or even "authority" in ACA, but that might just undermine the whole message. In AA it is easy to appeal to the authoritative "old-timers" and get the approval one seeks. This doesn't equal self-love. Self validation and a high power which I hesitate to even mention does that. I am grateful for what I have discovered, and I can only see this thing getting better for me. Hope, what a concept! Thank you ACA!
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#12 75Janice

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Posted 03 January 2009 - 09:28 PM

Rereading this thread was quite an education for me. ACOA was my first intro to a Twelve Step group. I'm curious as to whether the philosophy is important or are the process tools what makes a program work. I was raised in a religious cult. Too much of AA's message concerning trusting one's innate self reminds me of what I heard growing up. The group taught that only secret people at its HQ in Brooklyn (Jerusalem and Mecca sound religious to me. Brooklyn, along with upstate NY where Joseph Smith saw the angel, sounds ridiculous). I was taught that one could not read a few simple Bible verses and figure out the meaning. I saw a direct link between this thinking and severe abuse of authority. Also, I now believe that tempermentally I am not just a blind follower. Dictators freak me out.

I was in fifth grade when I attended one of their Bible meetings. The man leading the group (women are not allowed to lead ever) was poorly educated. He read the text incorrectly. I realized it. The biggest sin was questioning the Holy Spirit. Of course, his pronouncements were the Holy Spirit. For months I thought I was God condemned. My wickness made me realize. It sounds funny but it wasn't at the time.

To be frank, though, people I respect have warned me off ACOA. So many people seem to think that Al-Anon is more effective. I may investigate. My feeling is that it must vary with the person and the particular dynamics of the home group. The ACA big book, Janet. W., and Bradshaw were revelations to me. My main concern has never been content as much as implementation in real life. I was active in radical politics in the 1960s. It was exciting at first. The more I learned how demonstrations and other actions were organized, however, I lost face. Students would track down other students and yell vicious things at each other. People debated inclusion on the committee and speaking rank so fervently that no one focused on ending the war. The war was with each other. Soon you don't give a damn anymore. The Twelve Step stuff reminds me of that a bit. My program is more pure than your program.

I want to be informed. The good little girl part of me, obedient to authority, wants to know exactly what to do. My true self knows it is impossible to know.

Janice
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#13 heatherw

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 09:21 AM

Great topic!

I love Dr. Jan's writing style. She seems to know how to speak in such a way that cuts right trough those critical voices inside. Some of my favorite quotes from her books are:

"Being inadequate and feeling inadequate are two different things. Try to separate them out." - from Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace

"You aren't in a relationship until it's been a year. What you have before that is an involvement." and "A healthy relationship is one where: I can be me, you can be you, we can be us. I can grow, you can grow, we can grow together."

Those last two quotes are both from The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults - I read it several times in a row (it's only like 200 pages) and thought, man, there could be an entire meeting focused just on this book! There's a chapter called "so you love an adult child" that is written for people that are not adult children. I asked my boyfriend to read it when he wanted to understand more about what an adult child is. It helped him understand what happens with me better and why my meetings and recovery work are important for me.

About other twelve step meetings in relation to ACA...

There is something in the Doctor's Opinion in the ACA red book that talks about the stages of recovery and mentions outside help for stabilizing compulsive behavior. I just happened to re-read this last night after attending an OA meeting for the first time after being in ACA for a little over 2 years. In that section it talks about how a person in recovery may need to stabilize compulsive behavior first before they can move into a deeper stage of recovery through another twelve step program, therapist, etc. This is ringing true for me right now.

I know my compulsive eating is an attempt to soothe my grief with food. While working the OA program will probably help me to get a handle on the compulsive overeating behavior, I know that the reason why I have these feelings I'm trying to mask with food has it's roots in being an adult child.

In the ACA meetings I go to, about half of the people are also in AA, OA, Al-Anon, NA, or some other twelve step program.
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#14 Karin S.

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 11:56 AM

My own experience is that there seems to be much more cohesion - among individual members, different meetings, and the fellowship as a whole - in the Al-Anon meetings I attend than in the ACA meetings I am familiar with. I am unclear about why this is so, but I definitely like the sense of belonging, of being a part of an entity larger/ greater than myself and the meeting I attend that comes along with it. It is something I never had as a child, and it enhances my sense of safety.

That said, I would still not give up on ACA - which is what an Al-Anon friend I respect was kind of suggesting recently. For one thing, the ACA approach is unique in encouraging me to take an inventory of my childhood experiences by engaging my inner children in the process. I needed this encouragement, and the help of the ACA fellowship text and workbook to get started in recovery.

In view of this, I owe a huge part of my recovery to ACA, and it would seem selfish to me not to want to give anything of that back to the fellowship in service and commitment, as the 12th Step suggests.

That said, I would like to see more cohesion in ACA as a whole, and a stronger awareness of the Traditions and Concepts of Service that are designed to promote this sense of unity. It is my firm belief that not only the fellowship as a whole, but every single meeting, and every individual seeking recovery in ACA meetings would benefit from this.

Thanks for letting me share!
Karin
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#15 Camilla

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Posted 12 June 2009 - 04:57 PM

I appreciate the discussions on this topic. There is definitely a difference in the programs. By the grace of my Higher Power I am finding my way and sorting some of this out. I've been in CoDA for 13 years next month and there just seems to be something I'm not getting there. Or maybe I should say I've gotten everything I can get there and it's time to move on. I've also attended 12 step retreats for all 12 steps but they seem to be centered mostly around AA. The formation of the steps by AA was a miraculous thing but I just don't think that the steps as written in AA, Al-Anon and CoDA are getting me where I need to be. Heck it might be me of course! But I'm glad to hear intelligent discussions about this - discussions that don't shame or blame another program but seem to be sincere efforts to find what works. I'm still in the process but have been enlightened by what I am reading here.
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#16 Elizabeth T.

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Posted 27 November 2009 - 06:14 PM

[quote name='heatherw' date='18 February 2009 - 12:21 PM' timestamp='1234977716' post='28258']
Great topic!


"Being inadequate and feeling inadequate are two different things. Try to separate them out." - from Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace

"You aren't in a relationship until it's been a year. What you have before that is an involvement." and "A healthy relationship is one where: I can be me, you can be you, we can be us. I can grow, you can grow, we can grow together."

Thank you so much Heatherw for your post. After reading this I went online and ordered both of these books. My huband is an ACOA and I have struggled within our marriage for years. When I think I want out, somhow HP leads me to one of these discussions and I am reminded not to take his confusing (on a good day) cold and abusive (on a bad day) behavior personally.

He has not yet accepted that he is an adult child and all the ramifications that go with it. I have attended some twelve step meetings and know to speak in "I" statements, but it is extremely frustrating for me to try to gently nudge him in this direction. He still is in denial and reacts to any gentle discussion on this topic with anger. He also has issues with promiscuity, getting attention and affirmation outside our marriage that has been particularly painful and discouraging for me.

I am especially interested in reading the section about how I unwittingly "trigger" him. This seems to happen all the time and I am always blindsided by his anger and his withholding of approval and affection.

I am so encouraged by reading all of these posts and am so grateful to all of you. I read your many words and your different perspectives on relationship issues and I am so amazed, enlightened and awed by your insightfulness, your courage, your inner strength in "peeling the onion" and pursuing self discovery and awareness.

I pray that someday our relationship and marriage may get to a healthier place.

Thank you so very much.
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#17 stillhere

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Posted 08 December 2009 - 05:54 AM

Interesting thread. And it made me think as to where I am in my recovery and what now. As a 3 year member of ACOA and a 4 month member of AA, I have been feeling very “paralyzed” lately. I know what I am not meant to do (not drink, not be a drama queen, not meddle in others business)….but I’m not sure what to do to move forward. I have not had much time to look at AA properly except to attend a meeting once a week. I do not fully understand AA as I’ve been only been attending for a short while. I’m not sure what I am allowed to do and what I am not……so I’ve been just staying away from booze completely and that’s as far as I’ve got. But there is a discrepancy in my mind (as the thread chats about) about allowing true false to emerge.

I would not say that I am a raging alcoholic….although I was 5 years ago……I managed to tame myself on my own quite a lot. But I was still having problems with binge drinking two or three times a month which led me to AA. I have been meaning (for a very long time) to put some time into doing my ACOA 4th Step and to be honest with myself. The first mental step was the moral inventory and to me this was to admit that drinking has been a problem for me. Whether or not, I had managed to improve things on my own.

As an ACOA, I am missing alcohol. Not in a physical dribbling at the mouth way. But I am a very serious person pre-AA (have difficulty having fun etc). Alcohol was my release from my seriousness. My social lubricant. My dance partner. My bond with friends over a glass of wine. It makes me feel young and having fun. It gave me the confidence I don’t really have. It made reasons for social engagements. I’ve been told (by a friend) that I am even more serious nowadays than I was before AA. I was so hurt. I cried for 2 days. I would like more friends, but how am I going to have any friend if the existing ones think I am a party pooper serious ass ! I thought friends would like not having the annoying drunk around, but some friends apparently liked the annoying drunk as is ! I think I need to concentrate more on the ACOA program than the AA program. Its not the alcohol I miss, but the exciting behaviors attached to the drinking episodes. And the need for belonging and acceptance. These are all ACOA traits that the ACOA program will help me with. Alcohol helps me with my inner loneliness.

BTW Dr Jan also led me to ACOA and finding the program,. I found her book “Intimacy Struggle” in a second hand bookstore 4 years ago (outside a pub. Ha !). I read it about 5 times and eventually googled for my local meeting. After a long time. But that book was the start of my ACOA program.

Thanks for letting me share.
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#18 Phyll

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Posted 11 March 2010 - 07:20 PM

A million years ago when I was an young person in AA and Alanon and ACoA I used to hang out at a diner on west 23rd street which was patronized by a whole cluster of 12 steppers, who would literally take over the diner for the "meeting after the meeting". Most notabe, was Lois W....

Whenever Lois would come into the diner she always seemed to accumulate and attract the "young people" around her who she called her "young chicks"...

At one of these coffee klatches, I distinctly remember Lois making the following comments...

She felt very strongly against AA's (men) in Alanon because more often than not they were predator types cruising the rooms of Alanon looking to 13 step weak, co-dependant women.

She also felt that ACoA should be a separate free-standing 12 Step program because she was concerned that the "Alanon Smother Mothers" wouldn't be able to take the fact that ACoAs were just as angry at "Mom" as they were at "Dad", and in many cases "Mom" was just as much a perpetrator as "Dad"... and that in retaliation the "Smother Mothers" would try to "shut down" and "stifle" the ACoAs....

Lois was very adamant about this, in fact she even made these and similar statements about keeping ACoA out of Alanon at at least 2 Alanon World Conferences in the early 1980s that I remember.

As soon as Lois died, of course the Alanon "Smother Mothers" made a real take-over bid for the ACoA meetings and hijacked ACoA... The real reason for this only came out much later of course....

Alanon had always been badly managed and was always on the verge of bankrupcy.... Every year Lois would always bail-out Alanon financially from the money she got from Bill's royalties from the sale of the AA big book....

When Lois died, that gravy train dried up from the AA Big Book sale, and Alanon was in a grave financial crisis, so they went on a manic recruiting drive and overhaul to hijack ACoA...

all the best,

TG aka Tony-Guy


Interesting: I was in ACA back in the late 80's and early 90's then got married and had kid and was living life. I feel I let my program down by not being an active member and now that my marriage has been having problems direcly related to both my husbands and my ACA issues i'm back in the rooms again. I tried going to Alanon first when we started having problems but I just don't connect as much.

I totally agree about Alanon taking control of the program and re-instating the the dysfunctional hirearchy. My own mother was very intimidated by ACA (loyal Alaonon) and never embraced ACA.

I think HP may have a plan for ACA as many of us return to the roots of the problems through ACA and I need to be of service to this my life line. Think I'll start a meeting.....

Thanks for the confirmation of what I alwasy suspected.

Phyll
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#19 Jamie D

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Posted 23 May 2010 - 06:36 PM

Love your thoughts on this
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#20 Reborn

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 04:05 AM

I have witnessed obsessiveness in AA that has really tainted the fellowship for me, the modern sponsee , sponsor relationship is actually in alot of situations, actively promoting, acting out the rescuer role for the sponsor, and encouraging co-dependence in both the sponsor and sponsee, sad really, because done well, it can work.

Reborn
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#21 Simone Amsterdam

Simone Amsterdam
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Posted 10 September 2010 - 06:18 AM

"Being inadequate and feeling inadequate are two different things. Try to separate them out." - from Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace


It is so great to read this quote!
It is exactly what I had to read, and at the right moment.

I have had some issues at work this week and I feel inadequate and incapable, as do others I feel. Yet I also have the idea I have been putting myself down way too much and gave people - and myself - the wrong impression, when in fact nothing may be wrong instead. The only problem is that I feel inadaquate..
I am pondering over this, I also just spoke to a collegue about it.
She had a differeent view from the others I spoke to before (incl my boss) and suggested I was too insecure and in fact quite capable.
Then I quickly checked out the Message Board (procrastination and distraction from work..) and read this quote!
I have written this sentence out and put it on my desk! :)

I also like the quote about ACA's in relationships..
However confrontating..
I am going to read the book desribed.
I have been involved in a relationship between ACA's ;-) and I know it is tough.

About other meetings besides ACA:

I too have the experience that in AA there is this rigidity, from the AA people I know.
I don't feel I am allowed to judge however, because I haven't been in AA myself.
But there definitely is a big difference between different meetings.
The group conscience varies. Sometimes even just the atmosphere differs.
Here in Amsterdam there is already such a big difference between the dutch speaking and english speaking CoDA meetings..
I like the CoDA meetings very much. I always find a trusting, loving atmosphere and not too much rigidity. However, after my time in CoDA there was something that I missed.
I have found this in ACA. Too me, ACA goes to the root of the problems that are underlying the patterns that CODA speaks about. ACA deals with the real cause.
(This is just my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest).
I don't like the f2f ACA meetings all that much though.
That's also why I spend so much time here on the board ;)

Thank you,
Simone
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"Acceptance is the key to serenity"(AA Big book)


#22 edgewater

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Posted 11 September 2010 - 05:49 PM

This site and the current topic are so very wonderful. Thank you everyone for your posts. I'm grateful to have come across this site today. I have been in ACA for 2 1/2 months and have had to travel about 600 miles per week to attend 4 different ACA meetings and catching an AA meeting along the way. I brought ACA closer to where I live and we just started a meeting in Marysville, CA (45 miles N. of Sacramento. Yes there are differences. I have been around AA since 1986 with sobriety in and out. Today I'm in and going to CoDa, tried Alanon, was led to ACA. Still trying to sort it all out and have AA friends who are interested and coming to the ACA meetings we just started. It is an experience and I'm grateful to be of service. I know that HP is in control and I need to stay out of the way but it's hard. I've been to about 32 ACA meetings in the 2 1/2 months I've been around ACA and I have a taste for how the meetings are supposed to be formatted but I'll just try to gently keep it moving, with HP's help, in a good, orderly direction. ACA has the material and has shown the way. I know we need more meetings in more areas. Now I have a meeting place within 20 miles of my home. I encourage you to start a meeting if there isn't one in your area. I'll try to keep the forum updated on how it is going. Thanks for being here.
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#23 Tracey C

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Posted 12 September 2010 - 07:53 PM

Hi,

I'm finding the info about what Lois said years ago interesting. The part about aa and al-anon being seperated. There's a week-end seminar coming up. It is for both groups as well as al-ateen. There is accomodation provided if you choose to stay the 2 nights. When I think of it I feel uneasy in my tummy so we won't be going. I feel it's because of the thought of staying with the men from aa. It's funny because I only brought this up at a meeting a few weeks ago. Earlier this year I was warned by a long term al-anon (20yrs+) lady about the aa men at combined meetings. There you go.

Kindest Regards,
Tracey
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